An interview with Space Moose

Last week, three mysterious balaclavaed, tuxedoed men burst into my motor home and told me "Space Moose wants an interview." I was bound, gagged, and entrunked, with seven inches of broken broomstick up my anus (but that was my own concession). they ran over my fucking garden gnome! Next, I was face-to-face with none other than Space Moose. The following is a transcript from a recording of my encounter with Space Moose. (The tape recorder was also hidden in my anus!)

Q: First of all, I would like to express how honoured I am to be speaking to the Gateway's most popular cartoon character. To begin, in a recent article in New Yorker, jerry Ortobox claimed that your popularity now rivals that of Mickey Mouse. You are translated in over 100 languages, the DuMont network is creating a seven part miniseries chronicling your rise to fame, and your new album Cheese from the Pole is due for release this Christmas. How has all this changed your life?

A: I'm sorry, but did you just cut one?

Q: I beg your pardon?

A: Don't beg my pardon. You just farted now. It made no sound, but I can smell your ass.

Q: No. I haven't farted for hours.

A: Fucking liar. SMELL! You just blasted a typhoon and now it stinks like someone died in here.

Q: He who smelt it belt it.

A: Listen, asshole. You come into my home, you cut one of the rankest bouts of flatulence in the history of evolution, and now you have the audacity to offend me further by denying it. What have I done to deserve this?

Q: Jesus. Sorry. Fine, I farted. Let's get on with it.

A: I knew it.

Q: How do you respond to critics, such as Howard Roang and Tracy Eschelman, who claim that Space Moose "stinks" and is a "bad cartoon"?

A: Did you come here to interview me or insult me?

Q: I just thought you might want an opportunity to defend yourself from criticism.

A: Well, you thought wrong.

Q: What about your year end finale in 1992 where you were seen sodomizing your co-star, Bald Dwarf? Do you think anal rape is funny?

A: Not at all. Anal rape is a very serious issue in my life. I felt that in that particular cartoon we dealt with the subject in a mature, rational manner. And I even go forth to say that I think we made quite a difference on this campus and others.

Q: Are you really from space?

A: Are you really from your mother's twat?

Q: A lot of people tend to link Star Trek satire with Space Moose. What have you got against trekkies?

A: All you have to do is look at them. These are a bunch of grown-up boys and girls who focus their lives around a pathetic television series that premiered in the 60's. They can go on for hours about Klingon battleships, but ask them a simple life skills question like "what is a shower?" and they're lost.

Q: What do you think of other Gateway cartoons?

A: They're crap. The whole lot of them. Bullshit. Except Neil the Nerd, he's funny!

Q: In 1974, when you first burst onto the scene with your self-produced blockbuster album, Party in my Pants, did you have any idea it would come this far?

A: You already asked that question, numbnutz.

Q: And you failed to answer it.

A: Are you going to fart again?

Q: No. Try answering the question.

A: This interview is over.

Q: Okay, okay. I have another question.

A: Relieve me of this eyesore. (to the tuxedos)

I was then returned to my home after multiple beatings. Looking back, I guess I was too in awe to ask the really hard-hitting questions I wanted to. But I did my very best and that's all that matters to me!